DawnPapuga.com — Reality 101

I realize that not everyone is capable of dedoublement*, and I don’t know if it can be taught.  What I do know is that there would be an significant decrease in drama, wasted time, pain, and anger if it could.  I would wager that only roughly 45% of the people I know are capable of detaching themselves from situations to look at things from a cold, factual, objective point of view.  Those people tend to achieve whatever goals they set for themselves.  Sometimes they’re also considered cut-throat or heartless, but it’s not necessarily a requirement. 

I have watched family, friends, and even public figures nearly, if not completely, destroy themselves (careers, relationships, friendships, you name it) because they refuse to even attempt to remove their own emotions from the equation and look at facts.  I don’t just mean personal feelings, as in how you feel, but how society plays into your understanding of circumstances as well.  If people were more honest about facts, behaviors, and their contributions, people’s lives would be a hell of a lot more different.

It seems like every year I get word that someone I know ODs, and, unfortunately, they’re usually very young.  Last night I was informed of yet another friend of my cousin’s who ODed about two weeks ago–one year and a day from his own friend who ODed.  Yes, addiction can be hidden.  I don’t deny this.  But how long can the people closest to an addict turn their heads from obvious problems and signals?  I don’t buy that people just “don’t know.”  That might work in your own head to help justify the circumstances, but everyone–including you–knows that’s absurd.  I fought for years with a friend who refused to admit her boyfriend was an addict.  It was always the fault of his friends, or his family, or stress.  Eventually, after he ODed, she admitted that it wasn’t anyone else shoving needles in his arm.  She blamed herself.  Honestly, it broke my heart.  When there are problems with the people closest to you, somewhere–even if it’s that little voice in the back of your head nagging and casting doubt–deep down you know.  It’s that same little voice or feeling you get when you know that something is wrong in a friendship.  You know. 

I’ve never understood why people shy away from doing the hard things, the things that may be painful at first, or embarrassing, or difficult, in order to help someone they care about.  Isn’t the ultimate goal to live happy, healthy lives and help those you love to do the same?  I’ve known people who looked the other way for decades of abuse and addiction because they didn’t want people to “talk” or to feel like “a failure” in the eyes of the people who mattered most to them.  Newsflash!  You and the ones you love are the only things that should matter.  When you’re faced with the disastrous consequences of sticking your head in the proverbial sand, you won’t get any pity from me.  Maybe that’s cold.  Maybe that’s heartless.  But when given days, months, years, even decades to right a wrong or intervene when someone can’t for themselves, and you choose, instead, to go about your merry way pretending everything is just fine, I just can’t help you.  In fact, if you bring that to me the first thing I’ll do is lay the cards–all the cards–on the table.  It’s not an attempt to make you feel worse, but an effort to help you see what actually happened.  That’s not to say I won’t be there to help.

I’m aware that not everyone feels the same.  I’m also aware that there are plenty of folks who don’t believe that their friends or relatives are their responsibility.  To each his own.  Personally, I find that to be colder than brutal honesty.  I just know that I’m tired of attending funerals for people I’ve coached, taught how to swim, or taught in a classroom because no one wanted to upset or embarrass them (or themselves or their family).  Problems are problems and everyone has them.  No one is perfect.  Once we all can admit that to ourselves, maybe our roads will be just a little bit smoother and filled with the people we care most about.  I have enough stops at roadside cemeteries to make through this life, I’d like to avoid adding any more.

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*Dedoublement, in this sense, is not the direct translation of “split personality,” but the psychological/literary concept discussed by French author Andre Gide.  In essence, “dedoublement” is the ability to split oneself in two–one aspect that interacts and feels the world they live in, and the other to stand back and observe.  The second “self” is responsible for the detached analysis of the facts of the world around the individual.  Without this second self, it becomes inherently more difficult to act for the greater outcome or good.

It’s no secret that I hate (and I do mean hate ) “Reality” TV.  There’s nothing real  about it, to begin with.  It’s an obvious placating of antiquated cravings to use entertainment to make individuals feel better about their own lives.  As the seasons pile up, any attempt at opacity disappears.  These shows are pandering to the Star and Enquirer crowds with shameless abandon.  If you’ve been paying attention to any of these shows for the last few years, you could fill out a “cast” list as easily as the producer.  You need one or two members of the cast who are older than the rest, the young, dumb girl, the young girl with the attitude, the athlete, the republican, the homosexual, the homophobe, the bible banger, and the girls who think that sleeping their way to the winner’s circle is the smartest route.  Oh, and don’t forget the men who take that very same approach.  You have a Benetton ad of race, religious, and political diversity.  I’ve said it before, and I stand by it… people watch these shows not to see who wins, but to watch people lose.  Why else are many of the the most memorable “characters” from these “reality” shows the ones who lost, got fired, kicked off the island, made to turn in their chef coat, didn’t get the rose, or who was evicted from the house?  We root for our favorites, but it’s so much more fun to root against the ones we hate, isn’t it?

There are only a handful of these shows that I can stomach to watch, and most of them are only because I enjoy the rantings of my friends about these shows.  Hell’s Kitchen, Amazing Race, and Big Brother  are really the only ones I can tolerate.  I stranded Survivor after the first season when the “tribes” didn’t realize that they had to put up their food so that the animals wouldn’t eat it.  And they did.  And I knew immediately that modern television was in for a dumbing down like this media driven generation has never seen.  Anyone who has been a boy or girl scout–or even been camping, for that matter–knows the basics of survival!  I can’t watch any of those Bachelor or Bachelorette shows without feeling the need to become a nun, and don’t even get me started on Flava-Flav and his atrocity of a show.  Fear Factor  jumped the shark when it became a game of “who can eat the grossest thing without puking on camera” (though I suppose that counts as a game show, not a “Reality Show,” but where do you draw the line anymore?).  And The Apprentice just got worse every season.  I don’t know why people even bother trying to feign friendship or humanity on these shows.  It’s about a dollar amount and winning.  That’s it.  I don’t even understand why people would watch most “Reality Shows.”  America’s Next Top Model?  Celebrity Rehab?  Baby Borrowers?  Celebrity Circus?  Being Bobby Brown?  The Simple Life?  I Want to be a Hilton?  Are you KIDDING ME?!  If finding 99% of the “Reality Shows” on TV  disgusting, low brow, utterly mindless, and more suitable for means of torture for anyone with a shred of intelligence than entertainment makes me a pretentious snob, then so be it.

Of the “competition” shows, So You Think You Can Dance  and Last Comic Standing still manage to maintain the skill level I can appreciate in a show.  The others have turned into jokes (and these are close to the edge too).  I cannot, under any circumstances, stand to be within earshot of American Idol.  And the current season of America’s Got Talent  confirmed my fears that all “competition” shows have tried to copy the success of American Idol  right down to the the need for canned cruelty and catch phrases.  I had high hopes for Nashville Star, but it succumbed to the same fate.

All of that is to say that tonight was the premiere of Big Brother 10, and it lives up to everything you would expect out of a “Reality Show.”  Go check out the cast of characters and you’ll see what I mean.  If you want, you’re welcome to watch the surveillance cams in the house 24/7.  If you do, send me a detailed report.  Three times a week (if I ever manage to watch more than one) is far more than a healthy dose for me, thanks. 

((I actually have a post planned on the positive reasons that “Reality” TV is so popular… okay, so maybe they aren’t “positive” in the sunshine and rainbows sense, but they’re perfectly good reasons.  It has much to do with the reasons people read any series an author writes–or why spaghetti westerns, detective novels, and bodice ripping romance novels have been and continue to be popular.))

I’ve been busy.  I’ve had a lot on my mind.  And I’ve been on the losing side of my battle with TMJ for the past few weeks. Because of all of this, I haven’t been sleeping much or well, and whenever that happens I’m usually able to stave off the crashing exhaustion with naps.  Power naps strategically placed throughout the day got me through a decade of my life, but every once in a while I can’t get to the hallowed nap zone.  I don’t have time, it’s inconvenient, or I just have to suck it up and stick it out until I can get home and crash on my couch.  When long periods of time have passed and I’m incredibly busy and don’t get proper sleep or naps, I can turn into a cranky 2 year old.  Just. Like. That.

When I make that shift into Cranky-2 year old-In-desperate-need-of-a-nap-before-every-filter-between-my-emotions-brain-and-mouth-disappear, and I don’t get to take a nap, and people continue to push my buttons, I can’t say anyone or any thing is safe.  From about 10 AM on today, I was that 2 year old.  And because I was that 2 year old, a number of things irked me more than usual.

1.  Third baseman from last night’s softball game:  You, sir, need kicked in the shin.  Twice.  And maybe poked in the aorta for good measure.  Your ruse was rude, arrogant, condescending, and was in poor form.  Enjoy the karmic retribution.

2.  Mr. Panhandler on the ramp from the 10th St Bypass to the Fort Pitt Bridge:  I hate you.  Not only do you make me feel guilty for not giving you every dollar I have in my pocket every bloody day of the week, you have the audacity to glare and shake your head at people when they don’t give you money.  You’ve been there every damn day since I started driving that way to work in January.  If I wanted to support another person, I’d have a kid, kthxbai.  And the absolute WORST part is that I actually go through guilt arguments with myself every time I pass you…

“Well, you may not be a millionaire, Dawn, but he has it worse.  Really, can’t you give him your lunch money for tomorrow?” 

“No.  No I can’t because I work every day to pay my bills, be able to eat, and maybe save in case I want to escape to a foreign country if circumstances require it.  You watch him stand there every day and have people shove money in his cup.”

“But you’re a humanitarian, Dawn.  You believe in helping others who are in need, or down on their luck.  You hate excess just for the sake of excess, and you want to buy a new pair of shoes?  Seriously, don’t you think he could use that $5 more?”

“Yeah, but not when he shows up with new $80 shoes on!  He stands where he does because it is a strategic location, and incorporates the guilt factor because you can’t avoid him.  He knows what he’s doing, and if he can strategically plan that, why isn’t he figuring out how to get a job?  Or going to the state for help?”

“How do you know he isn’t?”

“HE’S BEEN THERE EVERY DAY FOR 6 MONTHS!”

“Okay, valid supposition…”

“And besides, what right does he have to make me feel like a greedy, uncaring, cold person every day at 5:15?  I do good things, damnit!  I volunteer!  I take students to pack medical supplies and food to send to third world countries!  I help sort food for shelters!  I volunteered with disaster relief with the Red Cross! I can’t save the world by myself!”

“It’s $5 Dawn…”

And by that time, I’m past him and spend the rest of my ride home going back and forth in this way.  I’m sick of it.  Maybe one day I should just come stand next to you and do the same thing, or when I forget my wallet, ask you for some change.  Argh.

3.  Apple basket Pirates.  Back off.  Seriously.  If you understand that analogy, great.  If not, and you want to, just ask. 

4.  Two dimensional thinkers.  I’m used to being around people who, when faced with a problem or something they don’t understand, try and figure it out on their own before asking everyone around them to do it for them.  Those people are three dimensional thinkers–I would even go so far as to say they are multi-dimensional thinkers.  Two dimensional thinkers make zero effort to figure something out on their own and hand it off to other people.  “Oh.  This doesn’t work.  Rather than making an effort to be intelligent and solve the problem myself, I’ll just call ten other people and make them do it for me because I’m intellectually lazy.”  I’m all for helping when I know something, but if you can’t make the effort to figure something out before asking me… we’re going to start having serious problems.

5.  People who are thinking of a response to what you are saying while you are saying it instead of listening to what it is you are actually saying.  Look… if you can’t be bothered to actually listen to a response, and you just want to be right, then just let me know ahead of time so I don’t waste my breath or time, okay?  Seriously.  Don’t ask me for my opinion, or to explain something, or engage me in an intellectual conversation if you aren’t going to be courteous and listen.  I listen to you before I respond.  I would hope you do the same.  If you are incapable of this may I suggest you brand yourself, or wear some kind of symbol to alert me so I don’t bother. 

I could go on here, but I’ll save the rest for future installments of WTF?! Wednesdays.  Right now I need to go to bed and hopefully lasso some restful sleep. 

Write Well.